3/20/23 As I have been bothered by my appearance, by how others must think of me when they look at me (a dangerous line of thought), I just made a video of myself. I talked a little, then read a poem.
I look, and move, like an ordinary middle-aged woman. I am not hideous. I am not extraordinary. I am normal. I do have a “buffalo” hump back of my neck. I have tried a few times to mitigate the look of this with dickies, but that is hot in normal weather and I’m not apt to do it on a regular basis. And I don’t want to move to polo shirts. And really, while it can be related to my fatness, my largess, it is usually caused by either Cushings, or bad posture.
I have tested negative for Cushings.
I’ve worked in a recliner for many years, with my neck pushed forward with a neck pillow. That has to be the thing. Skinny people get this, too.
And yet when one is fat one always feels that EVERYTHING wrong is caused by the extra space one takes up in the world.
Would I fit into a plane seat?
I need to get a chair that would completely support me and hold me upright so I can work at the desk. And I have a standing desk I would like to use at least part of the time, but I don’t.
Which turns me to think of chronic pain. There is my arm, caused by a pinched nerve in my cervical spine C5. Doing the home exercises from PT would help this. There are my hips and knees. Doing the home exercises from PT would help this. There are the creaking locked-up joints and rusty springs.
Movement. Movement. Movement would help this with all of this.
These are straightforward.
Changing the Food Environment in this House is not straightforward.
They always say to do thing in small steps, tiny increments, the baby crawling up the stairs. But baby steps are so hard. And I’ve tried these things before and haven’t stuck to them. Should I read that book Atomic Habits?
But there are more immediate things to do, not the least of which is to order one of those small, handheld electric dusters that the woman on Niko Life uses.
And to pay bills. And to check on my brother’s financials. And to maybe, MAYBE make a short food plan. I have the plan really. I need to 1) print out, or write out, recipes and put them in a folder I have for this purpose. 2) I need to buy some of that magnetic white board that you can cut to fit your fridge. and 3) Plan. Plan. PLAN for food shops instead of willy-nilly grab grab…and get/move away from the scarcity mindset I grew up with. Also, hate to run out of things, and this got worse with COVID. But really, stop buying multiples. And use up what you have.
Also need to attend to James. I was worried about his not having enough to do. So I have learned to play Magic and we do it a lot. I try to watch some TV or movie with him during the week. And we sit and talk a LOT more than we ever have and I am discovering that he is pretty good company. (he is autistic, Asperger’s) But now he is in heart failure again and I MUST attend to his diet and his movement. We are so sedentary in this house. And his right foot has turned out so much I think he will need surgery. But even so I need to get him, and the rest of us, MOVING.
And his teeth need to be straightened again. His underbite is messing with his speech. And he needs some vocational training. Just lots of things. But he is doing so well socially compared with 3 yrs. ago. Or 6 yrs. ago. James moves very slowly, but he has matured and made big leaps all of a sudden. This is always surprising. And it can arise from such odd things—My Little Pony Friendship is Magic has had a profound impact on him and he used the skills he learned to change his behavior. Remarkable.
As far as his diet goes—mostly crap. He only eats a few things. Pizza; Chef Boy Mini Ravioli; Mac & Cheese; Cheese and crackers; Cheese; Crackers; Cheese Sandwich; Chips; Burgers; Hot dogs; French Fries; Popcorn Shrimp; Pop Tarts; Goldfish; Twix; Ice Cream; Candy; Cake; Vanilla Shakes; Sausage Biscuits; Green Apples and Carrots, raw. Chicken nuggets.
It is murder, MURDER to persuade James to try anything new. Anything. Food. Movies. TV. Books. Anything. And food is the worst.
But it’s not easy for Dale and me either. Like, we both know that not eating in the evening (this was so natural for me….when I was smoking?). But it’s hard if you dwell on it. Or we know that eating at home instead of Takeout does wonders, but we still get takeout. I mean I cooked something absolutely delicious Saturday, but we STILL got takeout.
Can I learn to make Thai curries and perfect Northern Indian food so we will stay home? Can I concentrate on making a variety of different foods to please Dale? (this would be good for me too. I’m the person who could eat bread and butter and water day in and day out…) WILL I cook consistently?
What will work? It’s all on me.
As for moving Dale about, we just need to go do things. Like the museum. Or going to a park. Or getting a dog, even though I just don’t know if I can do the stairs quickly enough….a senior dog?
There are many things we could do.
I would love to get a sit to standing dining room table. It would be so great for gaming. But Dale would not like the cost. Still…..dreaming of that.
There is also the challenge of seeing to our environment in general. Keeping it cleaned and tidy. I plan to buy that duster and settle down to some cleaning supplies that make it pleasurable to clean. I have a good start.
I am a person who stresses over the tiniest bother. Just having difficulty opening my purse, or ripping the plastic top off I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter, can make me batty.
Mindfulness could help with this.
But now, after this weekend, I’ve lost track of what mindfulness even is.
DBT work is the very next thing I’m going to do. Well, I have to put the veggies into the pot with the potatoes.
Which brings this blogpost to an end. I mean, how much more can I ramble?
roger and over,
~r.
