3/19/23. a dreary day in the cosmos

I am tired this morning. And bluish. And not wanting to do much of anything. I am plagued with thoughts of my weight. Of how I look when other people look at me. Of my age, trying to reconcile my actual age, not the image I have stored in my brain. I am dogged, dogged, dogged with thoughts of sugar, desserts, binging. To binge or not to binge. A constant question. An earworm. I feel overwhelmed and stuck. Of course when I get up and “june around,” all of this may blow over and fair weather settle in my head, that sense of accomplishment and contentment I experienced yesterday. But should I do a lot today? Or “take it easy?” We may be supposed to go to lunch with Roslin. I would really rather not go out, but when the sun comes up I may feel differently. And then there’s the matter of church. There is always the matter of church. To church or not to church, that is the question. But I have good reasons to avoid church. Every time I go I get a migraine. Time before last, a couple months ago (?), I went in and out of migraine, telling myself I’d be fine. I was powering through. I had been for days. By evening a had a massive, wailing head. But is this really the reason? I also think that if I wanted to go to church, I would be going to church. Part of me wishes I could just curl up and watch movies. But this is so hard. I would always rather be working on the computer—fiddling with website, wardrobe boarding. Drawing. Drawing. And then there’s the pull toward the kitchen, to get things done, done, done. Here’s hoping for a good day, in spite of current forecast. ~r. (did have to take Ubrelvy for migraine yesterday; is my body gearing up for headache?)