Today I did The Daily Calm and The Daily Move.
This is my second day with no sugar. Well, the beginning of it. I feel better, not physically; it will take time for me to notice body changes. No, I feel better because I am not plagued with the thoughts of it. Enough said on that.
Today I have my individual counseling session. I look forward to it.
Yesterday I took the DBT book apart. It was the only way I could make any sense of its order and design. It turns out, much to my surprise, that it was arranged in order by skill type. There are four core skills—mindfulness, emotion regulation; interpersonal effectiveness, and stress tolerance. So far, we have done some of the mindfulness and some of the stress tolerance. The problem I’m having though is that there are no specific homework assignments. I thrive on homework, on study. I see that I will be doing these worksheets and exercises primarily on my own. Which is fine. The class digs into the skill. It is a good thing.
And I will be at this DBT work for a long, long time. But in spite of knowing how much work it will be—for the rest of my life—some things seem to be falling into place. Like “letting go.” Not everything thing is of paramount importance. Sometimes the best thing is to let thoughts pass away in a little bubble that dissipates on the horizon.
Sometimes a thing is just a thing. Things are what they are. I can’t change them. I can only be within them—time is passing. And passing. And passing. I want to let these unimportant things pass away.
But I also want to have a healthy detachment to important, significant things. I’m not sure what this is yet but I think that it will mean that I am engaged but not DETERMINED by things I’m experiencing. Probably.
I think that’s close.
And about my obsessions. I move from one hard-focus to another. My counselor wants to test me for ADHD, but there is just no way. I had thought of this myself, but if anything I have OCD. The quest for perfection. The focus on insignificant things.
Like memorizing phone numbers when I was a teenager. Like my earlier obsession with even numbers because everyone should have a partner please put four ice cubes into my glass. Like the time I bumped into this man at the mall and I followed him down the mall, almost running, so that I could touch him again even even even he whirled around and stared at me so sorry to bump into your green cardigan. Such a desperation.
I will discuss this with my counselor.
And I will study now. Focus. Not on my wardrobe which I really want to do, but on the DBT. I may watch some videos.
Onward and up!
~r.
