It’s Monday morning. James has his heart cath tomorrow morning. Am I nervous? I think so. Highly irritable? Yes. Grumpy? Probably.
I always thought these were symptoms of hypomania, and perhaps they are. But now that I’m in the DBT program, I realize they are also related to how I am treating myself overall. Not just too little sleep/poor diet/no exercise. No, it’s more than this.
There is mindfulness. Moving from moment to moment engaged.
And there are skillful means. Using specific skills and engaging in reality more effectively.
The challenge is how to practice the skills, how to make them a part of my life that is natural.
When I look at the skills and techniques of DBT, I am overwhelmed because there are, as presented in the book, SO many of them. But I know that as I go deeper into the program, it is possible that everything will snap into place.
BUT, any of these new skills that I am learning will require a regular practice. And that means routine. And that gets my back up whenever I try it.
A routine. A schedule. A paradigm shift.
If I haven’t managed to establish a routine by age 58, then how will I ever push back the inertia and do it now?
Make a plan. Yes. Perhaps if I think of all this as a plan.
Today my plan is to lie low. No unnecessary stress. Tomorrow will be a stressful day. And the coming days as we move further into James severe heart failure and what it will mean for us as a family.
On to the lazy, slow day.
~r.
