5/30/25
I am obsessed with getting the results of Write Bloody Press’s contest. They are supposed to be released today and I keep checking and checking and rechecking. Last time, when they were due on May 17th, they extended the deadline to May 30th. Which is today. Come on guys! They are on the West Coast, it may take hours or they may extend it again. Wake up, Rebecca! Quit obsessing.
And I especially have to quit obsessing because here’s the thing–it will probably be a good thing if I don’t make it into the final round because they really want you to promote the book and I don’t know that I can do what they’re asking. I think you have to do 20 readings, which I could do if I did them somewhat locally. But Dale’s probably gonna have to take me and it’ll become a whole big thing and I mean if I could do them all on zoom that would be awesome. However that is unlikely and I don’t need to go with this publisher, it’s all been done on a whim anyway. I need to look into other publishers. I know that my next book will be better than anything I’ve published in the past.
So I have really messed up my left arm again. But I do think that this pain is different and I am having it on both sides and it’s my triceps I guess, of the one top/above the triceps, I don’t know. It’s not the bicep but anyway I’m experiencing…I guess it’s just weakness and I think that I probably hurt myself going up and down the ladder in the pool. It takes a lot for me to pull myself up and I had been avoiding doing that but when I got to playing with those little kids at the pool and we were all diving in over and over…it was so much fun and I got all devil-may-care and these kids are watching you. So I have to really baby it today and I may have to eventually figure out what’s going on because I’m also getting some pain on my right shoulder blade which is like what I get on the left and it may be that it’s beginning to affect both arms and wouldn’t that just be great as soon as I start writing again I’m having increasing difficulties, which, you know, consider your posture Rebecca I know I know I know.
So as far as migraine goes I definitely had some migraine yesterday but it was not enough to keep me from doing things. I actually went out and met Kiki at Starbucks, the one nearest me, and we talked for a good long while and it was excellent, but by the time I got home I was having migraine and I scooted upstairs with my McDonald’s and ate it in the dark. But then I came back down and played a game of Magic which was probably really bad for my left arm and I also stayed up with Dale and we watched… what did we watch? Oh yes! We watched the first episode of KAOS! It was extraordinary!! I had no idea that it would be good because the previews looked utterly stupid and in spite of the fact that I love Jeff Goldblum so much, I had decided not to watch it. But it was brilliant. And the music is probably the best music for a TV series that I have ever heard, even surpassing HACKS. The show was critically acclaimed but it didn’t get a lot of viewing and Netflix’s already cancelled it but we have a whole first season to watch and I mean, it’s just fucking brilliant. If you have any interest in Greek mythology you would love this. No. If you know Greek mythology you would love this, if you know nothing about Greek mythology and the classics, you might not like this at all, you might be utterly lost. Reminds me a little bit of Baz Luhrmann which means my friend Kiki would not like it, and a lot of people wouldn’t, so maybe that is also one of the reasons it didn’t do well.
The meeting with Food Coach went very well because I just allowed myself to be in charge and respected myself and my own insights. I already feel better about making great food choices. She told me to look at what I’m doing as my own personal nutrition and to keep it divorced from those outside pressures to eat healthy and blah blah blah. She also wants me to just focus on hunger and to ignore the when am I full? aspect of mindful eating. I think that is very good advice. I’ve noticed lately that I like getting hungry, allowing my body to tell me when it’s time to eat. So I will see her in a month. And even if I go on a real lickety-split binge I don’t think I need to see her more than once a month. She is a coach, she is there to help me stay on track.
I had one cigarette yesterday, no alcohol, I don’t remember having any added sugars just fruit. But I did feel a little bit swollen this morning when I got up and that’s from the McDonald’s but you know I’m just embracing the McDonald’s thing. I’ve always loved it so much. It’s one of those things where the outside pressures are telling you no no no no you really don’t need to eat that but seriously, it’s really not an issue for me. It has been my comfort food and my favorite fast food restaurant hands down since I was a little girl. I love those little burgers, the fact that they are so uniform and always exactly the same. I love that. It comforts me. It assures me. I wish the French fries were always exactly the same and they would be if they cooked them properly but you know, it is what it is.
But it is that uniformity, that lack of surprise with food, that fear of disappointment, the fear that I’m going to get something that is not consistent and that is probably one of the things I hate about meat in the first place. You just never know when you’re gonna get a piece of gristle or bone or when the chicken is gonna taste raw-ish or bring me back to those moments when I was growing up and my mother would kill a bunch of chickens and then put them to soak in dish pans in the house and that hot air of summer interacting with that smell and how it just hung in the air hello I fucking hate chicken.
But refried beans and rice and lentils, different kinds of beans, even if there is a variation in the texture or even the flavor they’re still really consistent especially if you know how to cook them well. So I guess…this is interesting, I didn’t intend to write about food but it’s interesting because I want to be able to depend on my foods to be consistent. I don’t want to be surprised ever. I prefer cooking my own food for the most part because I know exactly what what went into it and I’m not icked by it. The ick is just a queasy uneasy what will happen? oh no! feeling about putting food into my mouth. I have a friend and when I go to her house, I know that her food is going to be good and I’m always willing to be a little adventurous. Actually I think with my close friends I’m generally willing to be adventurous and by adventurous I mean I might try their actual runny soup. I don’t like soup, I generally make stews it’s a texture thing and really, I probably would not taste anyone’s runny soup. That is enough about food today.
Today I really need to baby my shoulder but also move around enough so that my legs don’t start hurting. I wanted to go to the pool but Dale is going to get his real ID today and the engine light is on in his car, actually not the engine light but the service due light and it’s an old car, so we were just gonna not drive it until we could take it to get tuned up.
And mentioning cars, Dale and I came very close to buying the top of the line Honda Accord Touring hybrid last year. Very very close. The only reason we decided against it was because they wouldn’t give us the trade-in value that we wanted to get for our Honda Pilot which we are currently driving. I decided I wanted a car because I so much enjoy driving dale’s little Honda Fit and driving a Honda Pilot is kind of like driving a boat and if we got a car there would be a lot of advantages. So our Honda Pilot has third row seating, but you have to be tiny and extremely flexible to get in to that third row seat and my second child is thirty-five and said that she would never get back there again, so it’s a thing. Essentially, we really only have five seats with someone sitting in the middle of the back seat and that’s never fun. So if we got the Honda we would have the same amount of passenger space more or less, and I would get heating and cooling seats. However we would give up cargo space. But I love the idea of having an actual hybrid and… we only drive around town for the most part so it makes sense to have a hybrid and, I don’t know. We’ve discussed this a lot so like we’re at a financial point in our lives where if we need a truck we could rent a truck and we don’t often haul things around and we don’t really haul a lot of people around anymore. So all of those things being in consideration, I want a car. I think it’s also better to get used to getting in and out of a car again there are more demands on your body… that makes it sound like a really bad decision cause my knees are bad and you know, as we age, if we have to have surgeries…hum. In any case our car is going to be paid off in November and we pretty much always get a new car which is sad I guess. I’m tempted to just pay it off and go and get a car today after writing about it.
Bippity boppity Boo. On to the day and whatever it will bring I’m grateful for my life I’m grateful for the health that I do have in spite of my disabilities I’m grateful for Dale and my children and my wardrobe and my comfortable house in spite of the awful stairs that I have to climb up to get into this beautiful attic I am grateful that I am an American even though that’s not looking so great at the moment I’m grateful for friends I’m grateful that I’m a poet I am grateful that I actually spelled “exquisite” correctly all by myself yesterday afternoon. (and just now I’m on a roll)
~r.
