The things we discover about ourselves.
I will be 60 November 15th, but it is at this late point in my long long therapy journey that I am beginning to accept.. to realize yes.. but to also accept the fact that I am so hard on myself. All of the time.
I drive myself just as relentlessly as if my mother were still in the house with me as if she were still living and could call me on the phone and cross-examine me about myself my motives my techniques my ideas my aspirations my why why why.
I drive myself so hard and I judge myself every step of the way. I am relentless. And to make this judging this driving this do it do it do it do it or die behavior so much easier to explain away and justify I hide behind the notion of oh I’m just analyzing things, I just analyze everything.
And while it is true that I do analyze everything often to death, it is still more true that while I’m doing this analyzing I am the Supreme Being of a Judge. I judge all things that come into my purview, but by far and away I judge myself most harshly.
I will be discussing this with counselor on Friday when we have our weekly session, which will seem very natural as this is what she has been telling me in her gentle Way for weeks now– that my life sounds exhausting to her. That I punish myself and push myself, that I seem to believe I have to earn the right to sit down and rest.
I’m not going to write about this anymore right now because if I do I will become too focused on it. I just did hope that I could get this down on paper and see it’s shape, which is really very simple – I push myself much too hard all the time.
