my level of exhaustion is hard to measure. this virus is unknown, a.k.a no-way-of-knowing-if-we-are-still-contagious*, a.k.a the soul crusher. it is relentless. it will not let us go. it’s a terrible trickster, making one think it is gone but then roaring back. a week ago i stood in the kitchen thinking of Job and how maybe God has allowed Satan to corrupt my body which already has enough problems without this life/death struggle to REWRITE MY FREAKING DNA. for that is what viruses do. they have no other way to reproduce.
but thinking about that too much will end me up in a place with staircases and ladders that appear at will and lead to nowheres, many nowheres and walls in ancient prep schools and convents and dusty corners of long-ago-abandoned libraires.
no wait. that must be a metaphor for my current brain state for this virus makes one feel reptilian. apish. dull and standing behind a scrim on a stage outfitted with nothing but cardboard boxes, so generic and block-headed and today, though i am a lot better than i was a week ago, my brain is worse. more unfocused. more stupid and senseless. i even gave out the wrong phone number on the phone earlier this morning.
but in spite of this limp and too-wet brain, i cooked a thing of beauty–an enormous, unbelievably perfect broccoli casserole. and some whole baby green beans. and i put on lentils and rice. and i made “health snacks” (apple slices and carrots) for James. and i did file maintenance on my picture/drawing files earlier.
but now my brain and body are wiped out. my arms are heavy and i keep forgetting things. i haven’t coughed in over an hour but when i do cough again i will feel as though i’ve been sick forever and will always be sick forever. well, i am exaggerating now. it does not feel like that now. that was three days ago. now i just feel like i am literally turning into another form of life, something scaly and stupidly slow.
i have done some retooling on my website and i would like to draw, but i think i am just too tired now to do anything. at least for a while.
~r.
*People have all sorts of ideas about when they are and are not contagious. Most of them are incorrect. For instance, you do not need to have a fever to be contagious and you can still be contagious if you are on antibiotics (which don’t help with viruses anyway). With the common cold you are contagious until you are FREE of symptoms and although there is evidence that you are not contagious after the 10th day of COVID we cannot be sure of this. With Flu you are most contagious in the beginning but from what I’ve read the rule of thumb is IF YOU STILL HAVE SYMPTOMS then STAY AWAY FROM OTHERS. WEAR a MASK, a real KN95 mask not those surgical ones.
