If I could I would write every so many poems the way I used to when I was younger and wilder and much less sane when I danced atop the waves of the midnight sea when I was still visibly-full of stardust still an elastic band bending this way and that a weebling thing a tiggering sort of girl all grins and tears and sudden bouts of anger.
But I am no longer so reckless and so devil-may-care I understand the prices of things and poems can be costly if written in a fury one on top of the other.
My conversation with my daughter is till plaguing my thoughts, or rather, I am permeated with thoughts of it, that I said too many things, that I was on the defensive when I shouldn’t be should be more loving and listening. More listening. More listening. I have determined, sort of, that our largest issue is great difficulty in understanding each other. Literally.
It’s another headache day that has turned into a migraine day I tried a bit of sleep which turned into three hours of sleeping and I am in the dark it’s seven pm at the end of another migraine day.
1 cig. yesterday. No alcohol. I did have a bit of ice cream. (I know that the cigs are very bad) I’m drinking about 2 Diet Coke bottles every day. I just had some ice cream now, too much, enough to make me feel almost gaggy. It’s always done that, just the way hot chocolate has always done.
But I am not in pain at the moment. Not terribly but it turns on a dime I am so bored with it of it all of it I had thought I had moved beyond it but here I am.
Of course it’s all a matter of perspective. I’ve had migraines all along, each month, and it’s been rare to have a totally migraine-free month, but the fear is that the medications aren’t working, or are stopping. And what of it? How do you test such a thing? I am on so many medicines for migraine.
But I do know this, the Botox didn’t seem to work this time and that has happened before. And I have to keep the brow surgery in mind—the skin is still settling into place and it does cause shooting pains from time to time so it could very well be that.
And the blessings are, I have been able to draw. I have been able to watch Downtown Abby. And I the first part of the day was quite good, just this dreadful half.
~r.
