I’m up too early, much. But I lost an earplug and if I don’t have them in, my husband’s snoring wakes me. But I don’t mind. I like to get up earlier rather than later, even if I’ve had only 6.5 hrs. sleep.
I still haven’t broken the Covid stay-up-too-late routine. And we keep playing MAGIC the GATHERING, which I have fallen in love with. And which keeps me up.
I have individual therapy at noon. I look forward to this therapy. I really like my counselor. We are kindred spirits.
Today I will take a dissociative disorder inventory. I hope that this is not too harrowing. I experienced a lot of trauma growing up. Too much. And I chose this therapy because I didn’t want to dredge the river. Again. I’ve had years and years of therapy doing that. But doing this is important because I am having issues and problems with memory. With awareness. A lost of connection to the framework and doings of Time. A disconnection with self. And when this all came up in the last session, I looked up things about disassociation and found that the things I’ve been thinking were medication/aging side effects could be related to it.
And beyond all that, I am resolved to work on many things. The key being integrating myself, all my disparate parts into a cohesive whole. (at least that is the thing that is resonating with me now)
But all of that will come about if I work. Do the work. It will be in the doing, the practice of mindfulness, that I will come together into one blue-swimming-pool, windy-sunny day of self. All stitched together, those blue pieces of sky in God’s little workshop where he sews the edges up to the heavens.
It will happen in the doing.
I am using a behavior-modification to help with the binging, which for me is almost always desserts. As soon as I know I’m going out of the house into the world, the well-worn binging groove in my brain begins to spit out the craving and the desire and the, yes, obligation and compulsion to grab a few pastries or cakes and eat them in the car. Alone.
I wear a locket, and within the locket is a piece of paper that says–“count. breathe. choose.” On the flip side it says–“do I want the consequences of eating this?” Another piece of paper has all the prime numbers through 300. This technique has helped me to avoid binging a few times, esp. hard was yesterday when I took things to Goodwill. (boxes and boxes and bags and bags of clothes, shoes, purses and bedding) Then I went inside and made an impulse purchase of two pairs of dreamy pants (4.49 ea.).
I love the pants, both fit me and the colors are in the brown family, which I need and really do love. But after I bought them, having looked around in a strange place in that way that strange places can make you feel, and having made an impulse purchase (w/o trying them on and thinking that they were so cheap I could just put them into my next box of donations which seemed like a behavior of a spoiled rich person), I felt at loose ends and the urge to binge was very strong. And then overwhelming.
So I held onto my locket, which is all I had done in other situations where I wanted to binge–just touching it and saying its words headed the binge off at the pass. But yesterday I opened it and breathed and read the message and counted the primes. And breathed. And drove to East Ridge to get a Sonic Route 44 Diet Coke. And then to home.
Which was an enormous accomplishment.
For which I deserve my own praise.
So good for you, Rebecca. Good for you.
And the day is climbing up over the hill. And I want some breakfast. Everything bagel and cream of wheat. Which is good and meet and what I most want this morning.
On to it then,
-Rebecca
