It occurred to me that in order to ever make peace with eating and food I will need to change my eating environment. It’s what America needs. It’s what I need. (see Marion Nestle)
Then it occurred to me to really, really consider what that would look like. What do I really want to eat? When do I want to eat? How? With whom? Do I want to cook? Do I want to fool with the always-somewhat-yuckifying-and vaguely horrifying touching and cutting of raw meat? Do I want “real” balanced meals, the 4 squares? Do I want to eat in bowls or on plates? Would I like to drink a lot of my food? Do I even really LIKE coffee?
Then I thought of Dale and me and how our tastes in food don’t really overlap AT ALL. He likes hot and spicy. I am pretty bland. He likes variety. I stick to the same foods pretty much. He likes ADVENTURES in FOOD. I’m just a big…NO on that. And when I wondered what his ideal eating environment would look like and we discussed this I was not surprised. He likes sandwiches and soups–like a different one every day for lunch. Me? Ummm hardly ever consider a sandwich and I like stews, not soups, and I have to make them myself or just…Yuck NO. He wants something different for dinner EVERY DAY. I tend to cycle through the same foods again and again only occasionally adding new things. Dale wants intense flavors that are, frankly, not so easy to prepare at home. I’ve made inroads into Indian Flavors but as I am utterly incapable of following recipes, I will never be able to recreate the tastes of the dishes from our favorite restaurants (yes, I love Indian food, too). He loves Thai, too, and I’ve never even tried it.
My idea of yummy is to caramelize some peppers and onions and mushrooms in lots of Braggs’ Aminos and garlic, add spinach, mix in refried beans, cheese, and salsa, and cook on 350 for 30 mins. Dale’s idea is to thinly slice pork chops and make this Thai dish with green beans that I will not EVER eat thank you very much. Dale will make something elaborate following in detail an interesting recipe. I’d rather make my trusty Company Beef Casserole that I know by heart or just fly by the seat of my pants and experiment, standing at the pot for an hour tasting and tasting and tasting. Dale wants desserts from a box, I’d rather whip up scratch brownies in the same amount of time. Dale likes chips and salsa and hummus and baba ghanoush and fat sausages and kraut and all sorts of things I just do not ever, ever want to eat. Like Bloody Mary’s. And Hot Sauce on EVERYTHING. Dale actually enjoys breaking out in a sweat while he’s eating.
I write all of this here to bring you with me to my AH HA! point. Dale and I don’t like to eat the same things. We just do not! And that’s perfectly okay.
Then I began to wonder what it would be like to just buy exactly what I want to eat for me and let Dale buy exactly what he wants to eat for himself. It sounds so weird, right? But I talked to someone who told me that her parents have had separate fridges for 12 years and that she and her partner have the fridge divided in half–her side is a bunch of random of stuff from Aldi’s that she will work through during the week (much like what you will see below), and her partner’s side is just container after container of chicken breasts and brown rice.
So I’m thinking, if you have any sort of disordered eating, or mixed up eating, or are confused by your eating, how can you ever, EVER be at peace unless you just eat for yourself? And cook for yourself? And shop for yourself? And eat exactly what you want when you want to eat it?
Geneen Roth, author of Feeding the Hungry Heart and Breaking Free From Emotional Eating, encourages people to begin with eating exactly the thing that they most want. She writes of living off of raw chocolate chip cookie dough for days, until she grew to loath it. She suggests that you allow yourself to eat all the forbidden foods (done this, been there in my car stuffing them down). Her approach is (was 30 yrs ago), in a nutshell, Intuitive Eating, way before Intuitive Eating became a “thing.”–Eat what you want, Don’t do anything but eat while you’re eating, Stop when you’re full.
I have not yet worked my way toward Intuitive Eating. I may never will. Probably because I have not yet leaned back and fallen into a true mindfulness. But as mindfulness is the cornerstone of DBT…we will see.
so here i am.
I went to food shop yesterday, and here is what I bought all for myself. Obviously a lot of it will stretch out over a couple weeks and out into the month and beyond, but this is a very solid start on what, as it turns out, is a food adventure afteral ~
There is a lot here, a lot of things to combine and fix up (and I have Daily Harvest smoothies coming today).
The Muscle Milk ~ Lots of protein and is chocolate enough to keep my mind off chocolate.
The Yoplait is nice and sweet–creamy, little chunks of peaches. The Kashi cereal is low-salt and sugar. I can eat a bowl full and stop. That’s not so easy with surgery cereals like Cheerios. I love this with banana and it can really satisfy cravings–crunch, sweet, soft, milky. The coconut dates and the chocolates I hope are also solid choices. I also got some chocolate ginger to try. These sweets, along with the instant oatmeal and jelly and hard candies I have on hand should satisfy my sweet tooth. (not to mention all the fruits and smoothies)
The WW string cheese I adore. I don’t care for raw cheese much, but this I love because it is very dry and fun to eat.
Croissants. I have switched from bagels to these. They have about the same, or fewer calories, fewer carbs, but only 1/2 the protein. Boo. However, for me they are a MUCH better choice because they do not require butter.
I realize now one of my problems with eating vegetables is feeling like I have to eat so MUCH. Not true at all. As soon as I saw these little sweet potatoes, everything clicked. Then I saw a very small spaghetti squash! Done. And done.
Cooked chicken breasts. I am NEVER buying raw chicken again.
My daughter Roslin started eating in bowls years ago and I love this style of eating but have never really done it because I have been caught up in preparing foods for others, in preparing foods I feel I “ought” to eat, in working so hard to deprive myself that I don’t even need a bowl because I am woofing something down out of a bag.
But here I am today. Today is different.
It’s just after lunch and I made the type of thing I’ve been wanting to make and eat for years–grain + greens + veg + protein + sauce. ~
butternut squash noodles, tomatoes, baby spinach, baby kale, a small sweet potato, some couscous, a grilled chicken breast, a little Yum Yum sauce, and some aioli.
This was good to eat. It tasted good. It was enough. It was interesting and complex. It was also plain which I rather like. It feels like was a good choice with a little bit of everything. I am glad I ate it. Now I will see how it effects me. (because my migraines have returned I am watching for every little thing.)
My ideal eating window is from “getting up time,” around 5 am, to 4 pm. I do not like to eat after 4 and this morning, as I contemplated all these things, I wrote this–
Things to Keep In Mind ~
Remember—This is Not The Rest of Your Life. You Can Change ANYTHING You Want At Any Time You Want.
Remember the WHOLE. It’s what happens OVERALL that matters.
Remember Your Gut—it is Special. It can’t handle just anything. All the foods on this list may not work. However, in SMALL PORTIONS I have a good hope that they will all be okay. And you know what that means—tiny bowls of grapes, ½ C cooked veggies. Take it easy on the Apples. And the grapes. Take it easy on the Popcorn.
Chew. Chew. Chew.
FASTING MAY NOT BE BEST for your Migraine. Play this by ear. Listen, Record, Learn.
Don’t eat ANYTHING you don’t really want, or don’t eat WHEN you don’t really want to. Of course these things will happen, but on the whole—eat what you really want when you want to eat.
Eat in the Small Bowls and on the Small Plates.
Make a Good Choice Whenever You Want To.
Never, Ever Beat Yourself Up About Any Food Choice That You Make, i.e. if you find yourself knee-deep in pastries and cookies in the car, don’t sweat it. Just let it go.
Have Courage
Be Gentle
Be Kind
Be Firm
Eat What You Really Want When You Want to Eat
Eat. Make a Choic.e And just EAT.
Don’t talk about food all the time. This can cause rumination on food. Don’t talk too much about your health and how you are working toward a better level of fitness. There are more interesting topics.
Above All ~ ALLOW YOUR FEELINGS TOWARD/ABOUT FOOD TO CHANGE
This last is perhaps the hardest. I do not like Little Debbie Swiss Rolls. I haven’t for years. But I feel a sort of sick loyalty to them just the same. Ditto for fast food and gross things like Cheetos. I eat them because they were so long a part of my life and the girl who rode 2 miles on her bike to the little country store to buy some Cheetos and Swiss Rolls LOVED them back then. She really did. Breaking up with foods is like breaking up with anything else I suppose. Changing isn’t usually easy.
So. There it is.
~r.
