I read something today, a woman speaking of writing about her days, and if she didn’t write about them, she’d begin to feel as though they weren’t really happening.
I think perhaps I am the opposite. I have been so busy, so satisfyingly busy, emersed. but really, is that true?
It is more true to say that we have had an insane amount of shit going down, but that I am happy. content. I have a sense of wellbeing. even when I must deal with CVS. (i pretty much want to shoot myself in the face when i have to deal with these people)
But the DBT therapy continues to work its magic, or rather I am working ITS magic.
On the whole, the improvements that seem largest are ~
Letting Things Go, which is another way of saying “keep things in proportion.” Not everything is important, not everything has the same weight. I know how to write fiction, I know that each piece has a different weight or the story will not hang together. I am learning that my LIFE is much the same. I am so used to “telling stories about myself” that do not serve me. They, these stories, may have protected me at one time, but now they are limiting me, which leads to the other big change ~
I can write new stories for myself. I have, literally, said to my husband, “you are speaking to the old me. What you would say to the old me (or expect of her) no longer applies.” This is weird. Otherworldly. Strange.
Awesome.
These Two Skills are remarkable.
But they are not standing alone. I am also GIVING MYSELF A BREAK. All the time, all day long. I have been beating up on myself all of my life. I am learning not to do that anymore. I have no obligation to be mean to myself.
AND…taking baths.
AND…I am getting OFF of medication. I am going to get off as much of my meds as I can. This does NOT mean that I am just “stopping” my meds because I feel good. I do feel good, better than I have in YEARS.
I know that I cannot (bipolar) just willy-nilly stop my meds. But what I have done is discuss things with my doctors before tapering down. The main drug I am excited to be cutting out is Gabapentin. This is a Class #1 Control Substance in Tennessee. This means that I am taking a drug which is controlled by the state and if I run out, or mess up and lose some of it, or miss an appointment with my Pain guy, I will be SOL. And it’s not like missing a dose of Thyroid med. It’s like missing Lithium, except that the Lithium is good for me. I need it. It makes me go. (and lithium is not a controlled substance) The Gabapentin is not good for me. It slows me down, makes it hard to cognate, Makes me sluggish.
I am also moving. MOVING. Keep on Moving! Cleaning. Stretching. Doing my hip exercises.
I WENT TO THE MUSEUM!!!!
~r.
