I saw my counselor at 5:00 so when I came outside it was dark dark and I was hurting and worrying—will run out of oxy will run out of oxy must not run out of oxy must make it last your pain will be worse you must do what you must do to get through you must deal live and let live this pain and you you must not boo hoo. Then a friend called and needed to vent needed me to be there to listen so I was and her sadness plus my pain her sadness plus my counselor saying you do not like to say no to yourself, whatever it is, that high, you want to perpetuate it make it linger make it last you have no say no you do not like to say no.
we were speaking of exercise of all the things no matter how high how good it feels I have to limit it I have to say no I have to stop myself or else I get this body this pain which is bad so bad so bad it hurts it hurts
of course if I were only bipolar if I were only fat fat if I only had this one thing to deal with how marvelous how fine go get in that water go jump go dance turn up the music you will feel oh so good lift yourself pull yourself up do a good thing please God lift me up up if only
and as a bipolar as a guilt ridden chock full woe of things of a body the part of me that would demon and drive me is whispering you grew this body you brought this pain you must whip it into shape you must do it get into that water and pull yourself pull yourself to the shore walk walk walk stroke stroke stroke I do not know how to take care how to comfort myself I do not know how to not punish myself when I feel bad because when you’re me when you’re bipolar when you’re me with bipolar the most natural thing in the world is to kick myself drop kick kidney punch myself when I’m down
how do you get beyond that thing? is it God? is it Mother? is it, too, a chemical a short circuit a feedback loop?
am I poisoning myself? the cigs? the diet coke? and the sugar sugar sugar when the hammer comes down bam bam yes, ma’am so sorry you must lose everything to get there to get where you must lose everything to crawl under the gates of heaven.
Doc wants me on SAM-E. Looked it up. Serotonin thing. Quite sure if I take it I will be fucked again. Stupid belly brain.
Have an appointment at noon to try some sort of body work with a body work woman.
See shrink assist today.
And have to ask myself what if. What if you never had anther drink? Another cig? Another Diet Coke? Another bit of dairy? What if I never, ever compromised my sleep time no matter what no matter what no matter ever? What if I live like a nun an opera singer like a perfect person and had a surgeon cut out pull out excise the teeth into my chest heart belly brain cut out that guilty guilty girl? What would happen then?
This is to record--
Went to pool Mon, Tues, Wed. Felt so good but so much hurt. Saw rheum doc on Wed. who seemed to suggest that I am overdoing it that I must slow myself way way down. Am reading Fibro book author doc who seems to also suggest that I move it slower stop myself warm it up and slow slow down. Will see shrink assistant today will say unto him Lyrica, yes? please? can we try this? Will see shrink next week and counselor too.
Took Seroquel last night. So, hangover this morning. And terrific pain.
Eves so dry yesterday. Having more trouble seeing.
Must make plan to record every single thing I put in my mouth must record each waver and sway. Which may lead even faster to crazy town.