last night the weight of this waiting pressed down on me its horrible hairy hand on my head pressed me into the ground and so desperate was I I wrote an essay about it then I slept for eight hours. then I got up with words words words crowding my ears. I cannot I am so sorry I cannot answer all of you attend to you change your diapers help you up the stairs I cannot write all of you your stories down.
abject frustration is a thing. I will not help this thing. I will not float it round in the sink. I will not compassionate this baby girl. I will not ease her swaddle her. I will leave her baby bird yawning starving mouth open. I will leave her to wait it out. I will turn my back and walk away except I will leave my finger on the button and press it. again. again. I will press it again. like a pigeon I will press the lever in hope of another pellet. and when I get the pellet I will press the lever again and chafe in my waiting it’s just not fast enough that next pellet.
please gods I think you should just knock out down dirt in the mouth sock it to all of us out out for one whole entire quilt of a week. let us wake up when it’s over and done. the epidural. the Demerol. enough it is enough