I am very irritable, maybe from not smoking. Maybe from mood instability. Though I had thought I was doing quite better.
I pushed back the Saturday disease by going out and staying out until late afternoon. Then we watched Willow with James.
Yesterday morning though, my mood was a bit low. I must admit that. But Dale went to church with me. There was a baptism and I am always lifted by that, I always cry, so moved by the community. And there were songs I actually knew and songs that were easy to learn while singing. But the routine after church was broken. We didn’t go out to lunch. And then we had the Super Bowl, had a couple of folks over and Dale’s mum. I was too anxious to be social and certainly too anxious to watch a football game. It was again, a matter of too much stimulation. I think.
Or too much stimulation I didn’t want. When I’m in the middle of a social event and my mood is so unstable, I need the option of checking out, of just leaving when things are too overwhelming. But when people are at my house, I don’t feel like I can just go away and hide, even if that’s what I really need. To just hide. Under the covers. Or the bed. Or in the closet.
I worked for several hours on translations, or what felt like several hours, and it was rapid fire and frenetic. I’d rather not do the work under pressure, but it’s not terribly difficult. Actually not difficult at all. But it does contribute to my feeling of flying apart.
My therapist had to cancel on me, so no session this morning. I could really use a session.
Dale informed me after our friends had left that I was a bit much, bitchy bitch. He did not, of course, use those words. And I was. On the way home from church yesterday, Dale and I both were bitchy and realized that it was mostly likely the lack of smokes. Terrible thing. Addiction.
I am full of bad feeling of festering and yuck. But it is not depression. It is irritation, and the danger there is hypomania. Of course hypomania is far preferable to the guilt of depression the dank shit shoe, but guilt can quickly come with hypomania as well.
I want to go to the pool but the workman is here and Lulu is with me and the day is pigeon shit skies overcast God’s hand will stamp us all into little communion disks, the body of the body his bride is just a paper doll.
for the record--
very irritable. no smokes since Friday morning. vaping again
no side effects from increase in Lithium
possible side effect from increase in Lamictal—this is something that has happened in the past. language retrieval. it started on Saturday afternoon when I was hanging out with Kristina. it could be the lack of nicotine. or just shit in general. it is something to watch closely.
blood pressure is hovering on the line, which doesn’t surprise me considering how irritable and anxious I am.
blood sugar fine.
swam Friday and Saturday instead of walking. did not have pain in left knee.
pain in left hip yesterday, probably from shopping at Academy Sports, awful store. standing is the enemy. more pain today. did take ½ oxy yesterday. just heating it up today.
overall, fibro pain is much improved.