and as i explained to my therapist, my writing, my process is so manic that i always feel manic when i'm writing even though i may not be manic at all. because writing is so entirely thrilling. to dismount a thing. to nail it. to read it out loud and marvel at oneself.
when you jump into the fire and burn. when you straddle the ridgepole of the sun. when you swallow a hot coal and let it explode in your throat. well. there must not cannot be much difference between that feeling and mania. is it any wonder that i cannot tell the difference?
and of course happiness. i am learning my way of it. it seems very fine and well to stand on the very edge of the roof and look down on the little matchbox cars yellow taxis minuscule people moving about. very well to totter. but not to jump. not to dive.
whether or not i dive or jump is up to me. and it seems to hinge on how long and how much. about knowing when to say enough. to say no. to people. to wine. to happy happy so happy. to laughing.
and to words. which is the hardest thing. i have to be willing to push the computer away and trust that the words will always be there will always come back. because they do. because they always do.
but i have to accept that they can burn me like the ice packs i used to put on my knee. i wouldn't even realize it but when i lifted the pack the ice had burned itself into red splotches.
when i'm writing deeply plugged into the voices, i feel like i could write forever that i will write and never stop. until i do. until i'm so tired and drained and dead a raccoon pelt atop a rabid head.
these are my insights for the day. i have said more than once that quitting my job was the correct thing. i have said more than once that stimulation, being with others and letting loose, dropping the sandbags, lifting the anchor--these are the things that push me over the edge of the sea. i land on the turtle's back. i let the snake swallow me.
it's such a marvelous thing to sit atop God's head. so dangerous. so hot. so little. just nine years old. i hula hoop the halos of gods.
what tremendous luck.