On Wednesday night, our friend, John, came over and I kept myself checked and calm. I still enjoyed myself and got excited, but I kept reigning myself in. And I did not drink as I usually do.
Yesterday, in spite of my intention to not go out to lunch after workshop, I went out to lunch. But I did keep the lid on the pot. But after we had eaten I stayed behind with a woman a dear woman and we talked and talked and talked. Then I came home to a dog pee house and cleaned and opened windows and lit candles and incense and smoked and though I knew I should rest I sat down at the piano and began to play a hymn and then another hymn and then to freestyle and tried to remember a song I wrote a long time ago and couldn’t so began to write a new song and found the chord progression quite brilliant and thought this could be mania as I wanted to record it so as not to lose it but didn’t and began to sing the hymn that I sang at my mother’s memorial service which proved much too high my voice said sorry no D for you today and so I set to transposing the thing which I do not know how to do but figured I would and could as I have figured such before and then Alex came home so I stopped playing and got up.
Then I hauled myself upstairs and lay down and watched STNG until I dozed then Dale came home and we watched two episodes of Continuum and then Project Runway All-stars and then I went to bed and read a bit actually opened up the Book of Common Prayer that I downloaded yesterday day and then read some of Karen Jamison’s marvelous An Unquiet Mind which makes me feel blessed lucky luck indeed and then feel asleep.
And woke up when Dale came to bed at 12:15. And woke up at 3:00 I think. Then woke up at 4:00 quite awake, went to pee, pulled a second sheet over me as I was freezing then had a hot flash after thirty seconds threw off sheet put more peppermint into the CPAP and sorta slept but sorta not until 6:00.
Woke up bleary. But head not so loud. I did not find myself with my hands over my ears begging it to stop. Yesterday it was still quite loud, and the day before worse, and the day before that the scream. But this morning groggy then coffee then perk up awake. Then writing this.
And speaking of writing. I did not let myself delve into any of the new stuff yesterday. And I did not look at or work on the two collections I’m pulling together at the same time bless my heart. It was not easy. And I did not open my computer last night when I really really wanted to. I did not. I am proud of this. Progress.
I am working with my translator on a book of poems. This is good work. It takes me away from my own which is a good thing just now.
Have not moved in the water this week. Am achy, but my knee has not complained.
Took 2 drams of Melatonin last night. And two Valerian (I had only one the night before and it wasn’t enough. Woke up at two with no hint of going back to sleep so took two Traz and a Valium and then sort of slept). So still had trouble sleeping.
No nausea or stomach issues with increase in Lithium—600mgs at night.
Up to 375mgs on Lamictal.
God bless the God of bowels.