my shrink asked, “Can you see it coming?” my shrink said, “Don’t let your histrionic self create drama you’re doing much better with that.”
Dale said “this is the first time you’ve mentioned this Prozac thing”
My shrink said, “It will take up to two, three weeks for the increase in the Lithium to kick in” he also said “do you see a therapist who do you see?” he asks me this same question every time.
I said who and when and he said “you need to get with her and have a plan” which confused me horribly so I asked him what he meant and he said “to get through these hard times” and I asked him what he meant what could I do and he said “there are lots of things you can do. limit the things that stress you” and this and this and that I cannot remember what else.
but his words rang true because they are what I know and am trying to figure out. can I see it coming? is there a pattern? have I done something to cause all this? is this my fault? as you can see it very quickly spirals into of course it’s my fault and I’m very very sorry I didn’t mean to do it.
which means I must not know what I’m doing. or I do. do I?
writing is a large part of the thing. when I write it is often much of the time almost always feels like almost always, manic. the words themselves are manic. they tumble and roll down the hill. that’s what happened when I taught myself to ride a bike. I was nine. my father had been doubling me for years and I had no intention of learning to ride a bike but Pete Egmund made fun of me for being doubled and so I went to the pasture behind the barn and rode down the hill straight into the briars.
I have ridden down the hill straight into the briars.
Oh! I could not love him more because his mustache because his beard because his thumb its drumming the table his fingers his hand on my head the same size as my skull his eyes his mountain skies his soft mouth guitar bull-check shirts steel toes silver thermos black morning his outside cold sweat bandana neck I could not love him more.
how to explain that the brain is a writer and the writer is a mania and the disease is a mania is a high and a low low so low then up so high she is God she is so much God such a big huge brilliant thing of a God how to explain that the brain will do this will have its way will have her write her brain her brain blow up how to explain what is art what is disease what is herself is there a her a self of her is there anything but this electric burning word sentence story book words words
these things come barreling out. sometimes it’s just a part of a thing. but sometimes it’s a lot of things, complete things. like Athena, they step out of my giant headache. to give birth to give birth to give birth to get high so high and it’s all so brilliant and amazing and how who would stop it how can I should I will it come back around or be forever lost?
yesterday morning I wrote a new poem, cut the hell out and finished another poem, finished another poem, and discovered that a poem I had laid aside is really quite fine. I also finished/polished an essay.
yesterday I woke up with dread and voices in my head. please stop stop up your mouths I do not want to listen or talk to myself that interior earwax evil feedback loop.
and then I write and the woman that is most me forms and I go go go go go. why would I want to stop that? why would I wish it away when I know that it will go away? how can I force myself to admit that I have to discipline myself my writing discipline myself on every conceivable level every morsel and crumb please mr. priest gather all of me up and feed me to the pigeons.
of course the wisest thing is to know to deeply know to deeply believe that I will get better that this too shall pass because I do usually get better but what if I don’t I may not or it may be a long time before I do if I ever do get better.
what heals? what stresses?
1) driven behavior—spending more than thirty minutes on the budget. watching the budget and fiddling with the budget constantly. obsessing about the budget
2) allowing myself to become over-stimulated. this applies to things social. to things shopping to things that excite me this applies also to joy when I am alone when I’m with God when I’m with others
3) fixating on a thing and being compelled to do the thing right away immediately right now
4) too little or too much sleep. too little movement to too much movement
5) loud noises and being in loud places when I cannot handle being in loud places
6) pushing myself when I know I’m cracking up
many other things. I will consider this further much further on and on. I will read this to my therapist today. I am quite desperate to see her.
recording devices are everywhere microchips just behind the ear--
Lithium increase—600mgs. Lamictal increase—to 375. Began Melatonin, 2 drams.
(even with the Melatonin + Trazadone(2) + Valium + oxycodone I still woke up every two hours. could be that oxycodone interfered with sleep as it can do that. I took it because I couldn’t get easy. my breathing machine is driving me nuts. seeing sleep doctor on Friday. Also, my shrink’s real name is Dr. Dick Cheese)
have not had real sleep for the last two nights. also had little sleep the last five nights. last week I couldn’t stay awake.
had a Miller Lite Saturday night. had three Miller Lites last Wednesday. had one glass of wine the Friday before that.
new stressors—workmen/workwomen in the house doing bathroom remodel. expending too much energy after workshop. (the high of the workshop itself is all I can handle right now. need to not go to lunch after. too much happiness. I get overstimulated. I hate the hell out of not being able to go to lunch after. I think I will ask the girls to bring foodstuffs so we can eat while we are at the church. I should also take a Valium before I go as I did last time.) feeling pulled in many directions by many people. not that anyone is pulling me. I just feel pulled. I’ve gone from a life with old friends to a life with lots of new friends. this is lovely but very stressful.
sometimes I think that best thing for me would be to be swaddled tightly laid gentely on the bed with a pacifier in my mouth.
have wanted sugar. lots of sugar. haven’t eat lots of sugar.
have been on SAM-E for two weeks now? have been cycling crazy mad for three weeks now? must read back through and figure the thing. is the SAM-E a part of this? or not?
when I fall into a hole how long does it take to dig out of the hole? please consider.