The mattress is super firm. I can get up without having to lift my dead pelt of self pull myself will myself to get this aching body up. I will not sink into it while I’m sleeping. It will fit onto our adjustable frame and do its thing. My back has been hurting for a couple of years, but now my hips are hurting again, especially my left hip where the old hag who looks young after her perfect perfect plastic surgery lives and twists in her giant screw to mock me to say ha ha ha you are getting older older every day older older old woman you. The hip is not okay.
Saw shrink Wednesday evening. Realized when he was talking his questions statements that I have not been taking my proper dose of Lamictal. By ½. My bad. Perhaps when this builds back up in my system I will feel much better.
Lithium, steady as she goes. Getting levels done on Monday. Doc says we will most likely go up.
Haven’t taken beta blocker last three nights. Trying to see if it was what was causing so much dizzy awfulness in the mornings. Seemed to be helping, until this morning. Maybe because I started SAM-E last night. 800mgs to start. Shrink said I should be okay to try it. Cross fingers pray fling dead chickens that it will bring me some pain relief.
Pain relief. Mood lifter. Movement. But trying to figure how….how much is enough and not too much. The mood lifts instantly in the water, and the pain goes away in the water. I can do anything in the water—squat, hamstring stretch, cycle my legs and kick and float and walk without pain. But even if I do just a bit, twenty minutes, when I get out I am still rock hard and frozen up. Even after all that stretching. And soaking in hot tub. So I have to find the balance.
Joined Center for Mindful Living. Took first meditation class on Wednesday, but after my lefty fuck woman turned her screw and maddened me pained me I dragged myself to Noel my dear masseur and he stretched and rubbed and poked and gave me some relief. For a while. Then it came back. Have been taking oxy. Got RX refill for oxy. Thank you most holy narcotics gods.
As Noel tells me, every thing you put in your mouth every pill every breath of air every inhale of smoke sip of Diet Coke causes a chemical reaction. Every single time. And what are my chemical reactions?
Craving sugar and that means apple fritters cookies serious sugar. Craving meat which I do not like. Back on the milk. Will see how this affects my bowels which are of utmost importance.
I think I believe that I’m not capable of losing weight. When did this happen?
was on ½ Lamictal, went back up on Wednesday night. Was probably on ½ for two weeks? Maybe a bit less.
started SAM-E last night. 800mgs
back on milk
have been sleeping 7 hours, but wake up every day in pain. last couple of days pain really bad, so taken oxy for pain. but this morning pain not as bad, so no oxy so far
see counselor today, see Noel today
party tomorrow. must relax relax. relax.
must make friends with overcast gloomy godhead as he she it they are determined to stay and stay wear out their welcome