Good Early Morning, My Dear Bipolars!
The next time I write “You made me delightfully drowsy then you made me a bit oh my god how amazing I will sex I will fly I will something something something large and I was suddenly cagey, thinking I will take this even if it makes me very, very manic cause it fucking rocks” about a new medication, please respond with a hasty “Time to call the doctor, Luv,” or “Rebecca, I think you need to talk to someone pronto.” If anyone of you love a bipolar person and they write or tell you about a little pill one little dose that makes them feel oh my god how amazing I will sex I will fly then please listen and run get your butterfly net.
As I am doing now and will be doing as I am writing first thing after breakfast which I did do yesterday morning as I do that and concentrate first thing first thing snap to, well, I don’t think I knew how bad it was. Actually would become. Because I was good and blogged and recorded and each time I got up I was dizzy and was certain by nine o’clock that I shouldn’t drive and called and woke up my poor friend Becky to ask for a ride to the gym. Then wrote an essay a quite lovely thing or rather its beginning and middle its love letter. Then called Becky and told her I was fine to drive. Then lifted up my fuzzy fuzzy head and dressed and got into the car and drove to Sonic and I knew then, I sure did. I got my large tea and sat and smoked and queried google about Gabapentin and mania or worse. Then called a few folks to talk me down please talk me down, none of which(whom?) answered. Then called and talked to the nurse this will not do ma’am I must get help NOW. Then called Dale (always hate to call him at work and pull him away from the bread from the butter) who came directly home after talking me down enough so I could drive myself home. Then we went to lunch and I was somewhat calm after Valium but quite certain clear clear clear that I needed a mood stabilizer pronto and finally the nurse called and said the doc had called in Lithium per my request and I had my first dose last night and I am alive and awake and my body woke up not so much pain this morning thank you having slept log-like-surely-close-death. No dreams. I will assume I spent the night swimming an ocean of salt.
Welcome to my Lithium life. I have long suspected feared known that I would end up on this drug. But I am as always quick to fire. I do not know how this will affect me. I do not know yet. I only know that I didn’t sleep enough and should sleep more today and that I must somehow get in the water and float and watch my feet moving back and forth that I must focus the mind and work and yes, also rest. Mental pain bipolar pain the whirling mood with no fixed point trumps all other pain.
Perhaps God will intervene. Perhaps the old wizened bitch hag in my left hip will stop twisting her giant screw in deeper and deeper. Perhaps this drug will be a miracle drug. Perhaps I will write even more brilliant things even more ever more amazing.
Oh, according to something someone on google, having an unusually high sense of self worth denotes psychosis. Well, thank you Mr. Internet. I have pretty much been psychotic all my life.
to record—began Lithium Carbonate ER 300mg at night 12/8/14
had adverse reaction to Gabapentin—12/07/14---12/08/14
mood traveling here and there an unfixed star
slept from 11:45? to 5:38.