I have a reading today in Knoxville and yes, that is always stressful, but there’s really not much to wallow fret. I think driving up there and knowing that there may be no audience is a dreading itching thing but I think that yesterday yes yes the key the key the memory, what happened yesterday?
1) got up in rather good mood in the am
2) put on stew and thought stew would be good
3) went to pool but was very hurried. felt good after harried hurried, Mrs. Hare
4) went to get eye exam, saw my friend, thankfully going up on reading glasses then…
5) at Pearle pain hit sudden and hard and had to leave without taking smoke break with my friend (which made me feel bad because she doesn’t exactly always sympathize with me feels I should buck up), but forced myself to pick up food on the way home (Dale had called it in), then to post my cards, then drove home, had cig., dragged hand over hand up attic stairs, got comfortable, ate. (I had taken 1000mgs of Tylenol which pretty much did nothing at all.) Mood still good at that point.
6) lazed about, watched Sex and The City, had sex even though my body hurt which made me cry after I came (can I say that here? jesus. can’t believe I’m even asking myself that question!). After I CAME I cried. But rested some more. John didn’t return my calls. Net didn’t return my call. Mood started down a bit and I knew, I knew that what I needed to do was rest rest rest but I got up came downstairs and didn’t even want stew but got stew and found stew inedible and Dale looked at spice pack and said you were supposed to do this that and the other which made me feel bad oh my god my stew has failed I can’t cook then the foam hammer came down. not the iron hammer not the you’re cooked you goose but bad.
7) we watched Belle and Maleficent, the former was very good and the later broke my heart. I had two beers.
8) I went to bed later than I should and something wrenched me up at 5:30. And when I was in the kitchen I could feel the mantle the lead cloak yes, Dante, that lead cloak and kept jerking myself up no you did not see anything in the corner in the corner of the room or the corner of your eye you did not see anything (this is not helped much with the upstairs mouse who is still peeking and scurrying), you are okay okay you took half an oxy the pain will wane then I
9) picked up a knife to cut top of banana and,well, as much as I hate to admit it, a teeny flicker of a whisper so tiny a whisper an idea a fleeting transparent thought of your wrists this knife and so, now, I must admit it--
probably need another mood stabilizer may they all be god the fuck god the damned.
SO, first I am trying the Gabapentin. I see the real shrink in two weeks. Pretty much everything medicine sucks fucks us Petri dishes up one way or another. The only risk with this one is nystagmus—dancing eyes. The Pharmacist couldn’t given me stats on occurrence of this, but it is, like the good old antipsychotics, a risk that increases the longer one is on said medicine thank you medicine men young and old. Both my brother and my younger son were born with nystagmus and will always have nystagmus. But better this than a thrusting tongue or a jerking arm hand leg finger wag ticking face damnit.
second, no alcohol at all I guess all the shit all sucked the bone all hollow the bone all hollow the glass boo to the fuck boo to the hoo. like it or not it is dragging down the sponge bobbing cork salty brain so sorry pino so sorry 1821.
but let’s look at the good changes--
got in the water four times this week; have ditched diet coke; have ditched milk; have ditched most sugar this one is always hard; have been writing here which is so so important; learned heel-toe-heel-toe; working to accept the pain, that it may always be with me, that it won’t be a pill that will fix it—well, shit that’s enough to depress anybody; have appointments to see therapist and will do this regularly; realize that I must be able to head negative shit thoughts dangerous ideas off at the pass EVEN WHEN I FEEL SHITTY EVEN WHEN IT TAKES A LOT OF EFFORT.
remarkable the girl has been busy the girl has been smart the girl will not say she’s been good because it is neither here nor there good nor bad nor nothing about moral shit it is about moving it is about loving dear god just say it it is about really loving yourself.
it’s Sunday and my prayer great God of spite and might great tailor great most generous lover father back breaker I’d really appreciate a good day.