i am recovering, the knee is better and better. but it hurts and i figure it will always do. to some degree.
i have stopped doing my home exercises, rather i have stopped doing them most of the time, every day as i should. i want to get back on track. i want to but the doing is difficult especially as the exercises seemed to aggravate my knee and i kept overdoing. i hurt my knee swimming. bother.
and speaking of swimming, i haven't been in the water and my excuse is that we were all sick and i had hurt my knee and, and, and. really. i think it is the Y. parking is awful if you don't get there at the right time. is that enough to keep me from going? and it's all the way downtown. but Chattanooga is very small and the difference between getting to the Y and getting to my old gym is only about five minutes. is it that it's so large? my old gym was tiny and mostly filled with old folks. i've seen quite a few hard woman's bodies on display at the Y. does that bother me?
this happens every time i join the Y so i must dislike it very much, at the least.
but i won't berate myself. i will concentrate on the good things, my accomplishments, not my shortcomings, my "sins." To sin is to miss the mark. I so often miss the mark.
i think that if i'd allow myself to creep forward.....shoot for once a week at the Y. or wherever.
and read a bit each day. or every other day. or once a week. work through a book slowly. we are doing so much reading for EFM. i do it all in one day mostly, and it takes over three hours.
i see myself, want to see myself as the sort of person who has a routine that doesn't feel like a routine. i see myself as the sort of person who moves all day. i'm going to look up that old rhyme about what to do each week--Saturday is for baking, Monday is for washing, etc., etc.
i want to be productive. and that is most likely the problem. productive. i'll get more done if i look at everything as fun.. fun. every day is an opportunity for fun.
i give my first sermon Sunday. i am reconciled to the fact that i will be a bit more nervous every day. it will all be well. in a bit i will go over to church and pick out my "frock." ha ha.
we bought a new car, a new "used" car. a kia sorento. i miss the responsiveness of my murano, but this car is very nice. the moon roof enough is worth it. almost the entire roof is glass. and it's so shaded that we can have the screen pulled back most of the day. i haven't driven with it open very much so far. and the front seats are heated AND cooled. the seats are all leather, unlike the murano which had leather toppers. i can talk to the thing and it does what i tell it to do, i.e. play the cd, change the radio station, call a certain someone. and i used the navigation saturday, for the first time ever. i never used it in the murano.
but i have a big guilt. we signed a paper when we traded in the murano saying that as far as we knew there was nothing wrong with the car. this was not true. but there is the infernal justification that the dealership should have looked at the horse's teeth before they bought it. if they had hooked it up to the computer/diagnostic thing the car would have thrown a code. but they didn't. they just drove it around the lot. which worries me because this place is known for selling cars to people who have bad credit and are maybe desperate enough to sign up for a twenty-eight percent loan, and maybe this dealership just doesn't fix the car and maybe the person who bought it doesn't buy a warranty and and and and...
the whole thing makes my chest tight but no one i've fretted with feels the same. perhaps it is the lie itself.
yes, Rhett, i am like the thief who is sorry to be caught, but not sorry to have done the stealing. what we did we did and we can't undo it now.
i will see Father Zack in a little while. i think we will pray together.
blat this anxiety. this chest full of bees. this thousand ton mare sitting on my chest, biting my ear. she's a real pill and i cannot loosen. my toes curl. my jaw is sore.
i feel stymied. but i'm going out to buy mother's day cards for all the mother's i know. the sun is shining full force. we are having the first spring we've had in years.
i am having allergy fits.
i keep grabbing up sugary pastries.
ten pounds makes a whole world of difference.
my hamstrings are too tight.
my bangs are too short.
life is pretty good.