By the time I got to my counselor's yesterday, I had dealt with my anxiety, told myself, quite rightly, that I am in charge, I know when I feel well, I need not dredge the gunky old ocean river full of old tires and black boots.
I know when I'm on course and when/if I am blown off course, I have my support structures in place.
So I met with her and felt fine, though there was some anxiety. We talked over my recent progress and discussed meditation techniques. Her take is that there is no right way or wrong way. I like this very much.
She told me of a movement-oriented technique that resonated soundly with me. A path through the forest. I am walking a path through the forest. I can see the path. It is the wood between the worlds. Or along the beach. I think it's midnight. I am moving through the water, cutting and cutting. There is nothing but myself watching my feet. There is nothing but breath. You are receding. There is only the one.
After our session, I went to the Y and swam for 30 mins, in breath and out breath and counting you are receding there is only the one breath in breath out. And my feet kicking and the woman swimming beside me and all the voices calling over the water.
Then I played a bit. Floated. There is only the one. You are receding.
After the Y, I met a friend for lunch and after we went to Centering Prayer (Christian meditation). Net met us there.
This was my first session and I managed to sit for the full 30 mins, albeit with a bit of leg movement.
It was quite nice really. There were about ten seconds of perfect figure 8 breathing. Then a wondrous sharp whiteness with a voice saying 'these are wings, these are wings.' And every imaginable white thing of whiteness.
Then everything went awry and I became wordy and sleepy and I think dozed off. When I opened my eyes I was very relaxed. Almost stupidly so.
Then Net and Dale and I went to Amigo's for a very early supper.
Net seems to believe that there is a right way to meditate and that it's not just about relaxing and she very much wants me to understand this. I told her she was giving me too much information and that I would get there. Or I would not. I think I'll just show up and let it be. Nothing much works for me if there is no play in it.