turns out, this is exactly what i need.
driven behavior. self-induced anxiety and stress. off the hook excitement. these cost me too much. the price is high anxiety, the mood roller coaster.
mindfulness. breath. slowness. in the momentness. tapping into the fuzzy orange body of God and breathing.
and a big part of this will be structuring my life. most elusive thing. i am resistant to structure, always have been. i love the idea of it. i made a chart when i was in high school, already struggling with this idea.
life should be spontaneous, shouldn't it? fly by the seat of her pants, you know?
but it is crazy making.
i need to get back to volunteering. but do i want to? the nursing home again? i just don't want to do anything that regular......only an hour a week....seriously.
i have an hour a week. yes. but am i willing to do it?
the hardest thing now is knowing that if i do go to the nursing home and get all chirked up singing and interacting, i will likely crash as soon as i get to the car.
this happens when i go to social functions.
when i have conversations.
whenever i get excited....boom....anxiety....mood dropping and dropping and flying up above the clouds caught in the earth's gravity.
the endless orbit.
i must find my way through this. perhaps a better place to start is to go on gentle walks with people i know need friend time and would like it with me. not a great commitment, but a gentle kindness. the movement should help me stay calm.
mindfulness. it's saturday.
please no saturday disease today.
love and many kisses,