I am completely addicted to TV, to watching the same things over and over and over again--Project Runway, Star Trek, Law and Order SVU. I’m trying to figure out how to write, read, listen to music, and watch TV at the same time. My father told me the other day that my mother was like this, way before there were so many distractions, reading a book, watching TV, sewing. I can just see her, though I do not remember it.
I feel old….no, I feel the age of me. I am no longer young. I look as old as I am. I am slowly getting the message that life can no longer be a beauty contest. Not that it ever was. I have lived in an almost constant state of delusion…..which could be why reality is settling in. The lithium. It sucks but it’s better than psychosis.
My knee must be replaced. Dec. 8th is the day of my surgery. I was very apprehensive, but I watched the actual operation on You Tube and feel very confident. It will not be so terrible. It will not feel like a blinding headache or a skin infection. Or fibromyalgia which is basically the flu and I am having waves of weakness and fatigue and flu flu flu a lot these days. It will feel like a mechanical problem, save the holes drilled into my bones. But it will be a process of recovery, pain with a purpose, like labor and delivery.
I am old and my dog, my precious Lulu, is very old. Eleven years. Yesterday I had to coax her awake and she could barely move, seized up with arthritis. I knew it was coming, little signs the last year, but to hit her so hard, so overnight. I cried. We took her to the vet. She has quite a bit in/on her spine. And so, she and I both will struggle with the stairs, together. And I must get her to walk a little every day. I feel bad that we haven’t been walking all along, but these last months I haven’t been able and before I was just lazy.
It is so awful how hard it has hit her. It’s like the Star Trek episode where everyone is aging rapidly and the first sign is acute arthritic inflammation. They just seize up. And there is the possibility that something happened while we were at the Meacham reading on Friday. She could have fallen. Something. In any case we have an anti-inflammatory for her. Her bloodwork should be back by Monday. And we will be getting some pain med as soon as her bloodwork gets back. I hope. I have been thinking and saying aloud this last year that she will die and I will get another dog, preparing myself after a fashion. But I had no idea the emotion, the depth of my caring for her, my constant companion. It rips up from my belly. I never thought that I would be such a lover of dogs, my dog, one of those people willing to do anything to keep her alive.