(God has taken away the oil necessary for hitting my knees.)
This prayer. FaceBook is full, choke full of I will pray for you I will be praying you are in my prayers. Really? How does that work?
My prayers, all those prayers, the desperation over my plate of food Bless this God bless this God please bless this. Please. Those old prayers were always quite forced, even obsessive. I doubt God could hear me over the shouting crowd in my head, the great jury of my peers, my betters.
There is quite a bit of talk about "centering prayer" at Grace. I think this is another word for meditation. Obviously meditation has always been a sort of praying. And I may check out this centering prayer. But for me...
All my life, God has been steering me toward him with my words, without any thought on my part he has kept me quite close. God as sneaky bastard. God as stealthy shepherd.
There is, from what I know, an organizing mechanism in all meditation. A candle. One's breath (which is so dreadful for me if I concentrate on my breathing I cannot breathe at all). The clearing out of every thought and concern and attachment (also quite terrible all I get is a very uncomfortable blackness).
For me, that organizing principle is the WORD.
And as the WORD was with God and as I flood with words and meet God there, this is my place of prayer.
I think. In any case, it makes the most sense at this point God as my old Royal God as my fingers on the keys as my hand flowing down the page so long ago, pulled. Pulled by the great mystery of the sneaky bastard God with his fingers all over my life.
Does this mean that I will pray? I do not know. How can one be sure of course one can never be sure of God. Not with this sort of brain. If I get any sort of assurance whatsoever the sneaky bastard is there shoveling me full of intellectual objections.
Yes, yes, Lord. God as overbearing intellectual snob. His smoking jacket. His pipe full of cherry blend. Will you be my grandfather please? God as very genteel, a southern gentleman lawyer his library full of bound briefs. Will you also teach me Latin?
You pray me today. You pray me. I may pray a bit of you.
Let me therefore this day do one thing however small or large to forward your kingdom on Earth.
Sounds doable. (As IF)
Let me have a heart of willingness to DO things.
I will forward your kingdom this day by taking my discarded clothes to Good Will.
If my hands will cooperate. God as very bad doctor. God as disease. God as all things every single thing acorn big tree liable to fall now.
God as glue. God as undoing.
God in a striped robe holding a curved staff calling in the sheep. Long flowing hair fresh from a blow out. Syrupy face newly made up.
I am not your sheep. You made me too smart for that.
Today I will use my smarts. Today I will do at least one good thing.