The last couple of days have been a fever pitch of anxiety frayed nerves God feeling and talk and then yesterday morning, the workmen came. I had been so out of sorts I hadn't realized they were coming. I had to rush home from school and then rush and rush to remove everything from the kitchen counters and shelves, which fucked up my wrists screwed them up swoll them (I have decided swoll is a word, past tense for swell).
And I had to deal with Lulu. She bit his boots when he came here to give the estimate, which didn't bother him a bit. But this is an unbelievable amount of stress for me. Oddly, I put the choke collar on her and she calmed down, shut up, behaved. A tugging was all it took.
I hope this is true forever.
Then I was pretty much locked in upstairs without access to the kitchen (James, too) until they were finished. Thankfully, Dale came home after lunch and stayed home. And he is working from home this morning. I am thankful to all the gods big and small that I'm going to therapy, then to see the rheum doctor. I cannot deal with another six months of wrists fuckupedness.
I am thankful for Marlboro Ultra Lights Silvers What The Models Smoke thank you, TOBACCO gods.
I have Steven Curtis Chapman in my ears and it is soothing me. I also took anxiety med and a lithium. Will call shrink later to inform him I had to go back on the lithium. I hope it takes effect quickly.
Writing is calming me, but it may not be enough. I will have to do a lot of hanging on hanging on hanging on hanging on to get through the day. Then tomorrow is the last day of classes.
Another profound source of anxiety is my seven o'clock class. I wrote a letter to the head of the department yesterday and will probably have to speak with him at some point. I am in an impossible situation. Writing about it is making me sick.
But I am alive for another day and God is with me in my mouth maybe stuck in one of my ears God is not yet born he is in my womb sharing my body and blood it is only fitting. If I had not be so spiritually abused I would have taken up this vocation of God whatever it's going to be taken up sucked me and spread this light....perhaps I have been doing this all along.....
In any case, he will not stop flying round like a bat in my chest a black bat a zebra bat a laughing bat God will play in me he has always played in me please pray me now, Father.