this is my fifth day without lithium and i wonder if i'm okay. yesterday i dropped cash on bras and panties and i don't know if it was just an impulse i want these bras and panties i love them i have never since i was twenty-four tried on a bra that instantly fit so i bought three or was it driven behavior as my therapist calls it i must have these gorgeous impractical bras and because when i worry about money i spend money and more than that i like to think i'm sort of rich which i am compared to so many people but, really.
i also bought the new flatware which Dale and i discussed so it's okay. and i bought Linda Sue a Xmas present and i bought long-burning votives which is a good thing rather than waste money on the cheaps and i bought makeup which i needed and can i just not calm my shit down and let it go?
also, i am in the midst of planning some financial stuff and i think that makes me hinky and and and all the stress of work and being so sick which as it turns out was not the flu but a terrible awful plague. i know this because James is sick and i took him in for testing. no flu.
my mood is not steady. but i have been STABLE for a long while now. ride the wave rebecca. the lithium would be the reason for your screwed up gut ride the wave and in a while maybe even today your mood will lift...
but this is the season of good cheer and pressure pressure how can i get through the holidays without pressure pressure? my chest gets tight just thinking about it. which means we shouldn't have a party. but i want to GO to parties but we don't get INVITED to parties. i know.
we can have a small intimate party with close close friends and we can have a small party for EFM friends and we can cook dinner for some special friends and go to movies and SEE ROCK CITY and do all sorts of things we do not have to throw a big party it's ridiculous i actually used to get depressed if we had less than thirty people stuffed into this little house please get over yourself you do not like crowds anymore you just want to show off your new figure and new shoes and new bras which no one can see but you but it wouldn't matter you would know they're there and Dale would too and i have always wanted bra and panty sets is that awful? it certainly is expensive. and i didn't buy the sets anyway i just bought some new panties which watched the bras and these pretty much cost the same as my regular panties except these never go on sale so full price GAWDDDDDDDD!
damn. my birthday is next weekend. i do not want to do anything for my birthday but my brother will be excited about it and my father will want to see me so we will just go down to the farm and have the walkabout and cook wieners over the fire and maybe smores I will buy one piece of the gigantic carrot cake and we can all share it and a Twix bar for James.
please god and all good things that work for god for the one that is us work in me this day to feel better this day and do unto others this day i am reading today Ruth i know church will make me feel great as long as i don't get sick at church.....
Friday my gut fell apart. i had two Subway oatmeal raisin cookies and then some of Dale's FANTASTIC tuna salad. Also two teeny sips of scotch just to prove to myself that no, Virginia, you cannot drink liquor anymore. i don't know exactly which offender it was or if it was the stress.....we went to a Ben Folds concert that evening and there were two dumbass couples behind us who do not know that the point of a concert is to listen to the music so i had to move to another seat and couldn't see as well but even so i think it was the best concert i've ever been too though not in the oh-my-god nostalgic way of Elton John.
anyhow, i had to take Zofran at the concert and i was smelling nasty things that weren't there and tasting nasty things that i had not been tasting it was the weird sensory flop that happens what is it?
but oh....i have been jumpy jumpy. i have screamed a couple of times when James has come up from behind and Dale and I suppose I do this too even on the Lithium but maybe it's a sign? why do ye look for signs--Jesus