weighed in lost weight am surprised considering that i stuffed it almost every day last week. there she rolls. 67 lbs. and how.
thinking again of becoming a Licensed Lay Minister. this is difficult for me because my "growing up" idea of a minister was a perfect man without any doubt who really prays who really knows without question a perfect white man in, mostly, a suit. no bad words no bad anything ever, ministers are perfect.
now i know that this is not even close. and me? i am a shaky sometimes off sometimes briefly on believer (i hate the word "believer"). i am certain not at all certain sometimes quite certain, absolutely, that there is nothing to believe in. for a minute. but i am more of a believer than a nonbeliever. how i hate the word "believer."
in any case, i have a gift. words. speaking words. moving people with words. i want to use my gift for something other than myself, my own fame, my own me-me-me blah blah. will preaching be about me? yes. will it make me proud? yes. will it fulfill my need for the Rebecca Show? maybe. will it humble me? i don't know. will it grow me and will God pray me? i think so i hope so. will it change me? yes.
there is a part of me that wants to focus my life on the church, which means God of course, but even more on the family of God. service. help. caring.
but can i still say FUCK?
really. i am only five years old. i am still a little kid i am still sitting in God's lap kicking my heels against his shins.
i will speak with the priest.
i will find something to do to help others. i don't know yet what that will be.
i will find reasons to spend more time at church.
why do i want these things? why do these things come and go and go and come back again?
i have no idea. i am certainly not manic. not today. my granny would say God is working in me. what a terrible thought. and yet.
i'll fly away oh glory. i'll fly away. when i die.
that one seems enormously clear.