We are getting rid of cable. I am eager for this eager for a quiet morning is it possible was it ever quiet did I listen to the radio while I hot-rolled my hair before school and curled my lashes and blended blended I knew how to do it I pored over fashion magazines my good eye schooled itself if only I had the bones I knew the bones even now I can spot you you plain Jane canvas shoe girl your bones will stand out in a photo your sharp collarbones come, please model for me I tutored myself in beauty back when it was beauty before the computer as you may have noticed now
that old friends and family are on my face book I have tempered these entries so as to not offend but the mornings a radio morning sounds like peaceful sounds like I might not do three things at once I might not obsess as I just did fixate as I just was zeroed crazy in on the budget squeezing blood and shoes and brightly-colored whatnots from the turnip. As if. But so, even.
I will not compromise I will not cut back like the Marches I will walk down with soup like those who make money rather than time I will wing dollars away across the country across the world across town dollars into the mouths hands backpacks I will not compromise I must have good hair I must have the brands of things mayonnaise and shampoo and things and I must have the extra backups of things and things waiting in line to replace those things I will not compromise which means I
must work. Yes, Jesus. I am the rich young woman and no I will not sell all my goods and give the money to the poor are you kidding my SHOES?? But I read the story differently now more metaphor less guilt more WTF? like the disciplines said when they looked at each other who then can be saved? Jesus said, with GOD all things are possible even unto me this grace may fall I may finally resist CVS the sales the coupons and Amazon the money pit I must disconnect instant click buy with one click stop it already you will not die without things things things.
Every time every single time I come against this whatever this not doing what I want doing things I don’t want the spirit is maybe not so willing and the flesh is disasteredly weak every single time it seems like a matter of discipline I must dig around and find discipline and nothing makes me angrier madder fuckoffednessmoreness than even the word DISCIPLINE.
Must discuss this with therapist whom I will see shortly whom I need really need to see yesterday I was so stressed and hard-bitten I wanted to kill everyone and everything including myself this is not suicidal ideation it is RAGE.