The last time I wrote here I was dark and stormy and filled up with pity for myself and dredging up old funky stinky whatever so that I could excuse my behavior with my student, whom I had hurt deeply. I knew that it was entirely appropriate to feel bad, to wish it hadn't happened. But that little girl please like me part of me please please was more worried about the student hating me than about the feelings of the student. And in therapy Thursday, my counselor helped me realize, (without actually saying it), that I need to fucking grow up.
I am an adult, but all through my teaching career, and all through my other jobs as well, I have always been afraid of being "found out," of "getting into trouble." I generally told myself that this was just because, that this was just me, that I was misunderstood. Which was a way of saying the rules don't apply to me. And I whined about how I had no power and what the hell was wrong with me.
But the session was magic. My counselor pointed out that I SHOULD feel bad because I had HURT a STUDENT. Is this because I CANNOT control my behavior? Could be. In which case I need to change jobs. But can I CHANGE things about myself that will make controlling my behavior possible/easier? Yes. That, she says, is the power you have. Then you won't worry and complain so much that you have no power at your job, no tenure, no long-term contract.
Stop whining, Rebecca.
Fucking grow up, Rebecca.
Stop falling back into the guilty muck.
You have choices to make and things to do so make your choices. You always have choices.
It takes me a long time to come to things, for things to sink in and take root. Many folks are just like me. Maybe you are. We call it stubborn; we call it blindness.
Let go and let God let go and be at peace let go let go and breathe breathe let go let go and lie back in the water the baptism the one you do yourself the one that will, finally, make you clean.