Clawing chest the bird beast head of bird body of man trapped in there bird of woman her head is a hollow bowl there is a swing for the bird for the birdman who is the woman disguised as herself digging in her claws clawing her way out of her chest of the self the seat.
So I am writing. It may help. Getting up and showering could help. Getting out of the house could help. Going to church could help maybe not I don’t think I want to go to church. I want to go see The Martian.
I want to have done a useful thing yesterday. I did go to the Market and there was lamb and pork and beef and lamb chops. I did go for groceries and spent almost as much as I had the day before on my shoes. Which I’m waffling on. So maybe it would be best to shop for shoes to compare good lord the things I do the things that matter how can such silly things matter so much.
But my feet the glory the crown the feet of a woman. Who does not have very happy feet. Who does love shoes. Who wants to show some of her leg now. Which legs look better in heels she thinks. That is what all the fashion experts say when you are fat give some height to that thing. It seems to be true in the mirror.
This anxious mess of girl in the chair. Rooted to the chair. Her bum a fabric-lined thing. Her bum her legs her belly she made herself sick stretching yesterday morning. She thinks.
I do think I can overdo the stretching. Which sucks. Which brings me to my other aspect, as my students would say. I have an aspect on the issue there are several many aspects to that problem in my own opinion personally. Which is this--
Why do I not do the things I want to do?
I will not figure this out today. This has been going on for centuries. But the pool. The walk down the alley and back. The body. I have dropped almost sixty pounds of it jettisoned it into the sea cut it away and left it for dead I have trimmed it like I would a chicken breast trimmed it like my bangs which come out crooked when I trim them myself of course. I have done this lost this isn’t it enough?
I made my first, do this at this time every day chart when I was in high school, sure that the chart would give me the illusive gumption to get up and go to sit up and push up and run and jumping jack and god knows what I actually put on that chart. Schedule. To reign in the wayward lazy girl her soft belly. Vonya came to my house for my big look, I am friends with the popular girls too party and she needed to borrow a pair of jeans and I offered her a pair and she said of course they won’t fit and I was a hot face and belly clench and when she put them on they fit perfectly and I was so there take that bitch I didn’t say bitch back then but it fit oh my
I just remember I had two of these parties the first was for my girlfriends who/which included not just my close friends good ones but some popular girls whom I barely knew but who wanted to come it was for Xmas and the gift was, bring something written in an envelope and we will hang it on a tree for a game and one by one we twirled each other round and blindfolded plucked an envelope from the tree and read them aloud and this was the coolest thing of course my party and later I had a toga party I am not kidding and I know Vonya was there, who was actually a good friend in spite of our troubled history, and Jimmy whom I had just begun to date I think a lot of others who knows who how many were also there good god where were my parents? We weren’t drinking or anything. How in the world have I forgotten that TOGA party?
The toga. I don’t think it was summer either. I cannot imagine my father in the same house as a TOGA party for real.
So I do feel better and am hopping into the shower before I talk myself out of it and am going to church before I think better of it.