Have figured out that my students just need a lot of love and care and love which means more of my time more conferences more discussions all next week I will be conferencing have reserved a room in the library for this purpose I am actually looking forward to it.
Reading Thursday night for Meacham at Hart Gallery on Main Street thinking maybe I am getting nervous feeling hemmed in caught in that bind her chest full of birds. Meacham has always worked this way--
Go to Rick’s on Thursday afternoon. Sit on porch in my corner seat and smoke. And drink. No food. Get sort of almost drunk. Go to reading. Go to next reading. Go to sleep. Wake up. Get very nervous. Smoke. Go to work if I have not canceled classes. Get more nervous. Smoke. Pee. Pee again. Go to noon reading and read my work. Smoke. Go to party in the afternoon. Smoke. Get really drunk. Smoke. Go to reading. Wake up Saturday morning feeling like ass recover a bit go to Saturday afternoon reading. Smoke. Maybe drink more wine. Sit through reading though completely exhausted from smoking and drinking. Go to Saturday evening party. Smoke. Get sort of maybe drunk again if Dale has come with me. Fight exhaustion. Smoke. Feeling really self-conscious feeling really crappy. Do not eat food. Drink wine. Smoke. Listen to students read. Smoke. Walk to car rather wobbly and drunk if Dale is with me. If not, walk to car sober and drive home. Spend Sunday recovering.
But now, I will not do this. I may sit in corner at Rick’s and smoke. Will I drink? I don’t think I’ll drink. I will not repeat this performance. Makes me want to stay away from the parties. I stay away from parties at AWP. Maybe just go to readings. I have nothing to prove to anybody. I have nothing to prove to anybody. Nobody is going to take me aside and tell me I’m the very best writer in the history of the world. I am not the very best writer in the history of the world. I have nothing to prove. Everything is not all about me. Everyone is not waiting on me everyone is not thinking about me everyone is not looking at me with deep appreciation for my gorgeousness everything is not about me.
Which means I don’t want to talk about myself I don’t want to talk about you either I don’t want to ask questions I don’t want to answer questions I am not used to the sober me the me who wants to duck and run who has always wanted to duck and cover I am under my desk at school no not in the 50s the bombing scare no I am under the desk at UTC the teacher’s desk I cannot stop laughing a student is taking a picture I was not yet medicated very bipolar what good times all she needs is a bit of wine and she is the LIFE OF THE PARTY.
Thank you universe and tiny gods. I am going to therapy shortly. I can talk all about this tease out the difficulties unravel it down girl down do not rub her fur backward.
No good fixating on difficulties. Better to get to work. Better to move about. Right hip leg continuum giving the physicists great difficulty. Had to move about during EFM last night.
Have new appreciation sort of for Matthew. Eager to move onto the action-packed Mark. Our focus this year is Spiritual Maturity. Right. This is only a proper focus if you aren’t still lying down in your granny’s lap during the sermon Smarties in your fingers your tights are bright white you think maybe you are an angel. You are not at all spiritually mature.
Thus begins the day.