i am tired. and sore. feeling rough. i woke up really early feeling fine, had breakfast, then drooped. just really drooped and crashed and just woke up now feeling pretty bad. so i took a pain pill cause that's just the type of girl i am, and am settling in for another long day.
yesterday was the day that WOULD NOT END. i kept waiting for sundown and sundown would not come the day would not wind down. i watched a thousand fifty-five episodes of Sex and the City. i tried to read but couldn't stay awake to read. i slept a while. then got up and watched Sex and the City some more. then slept some more. then got up and did it again. and again. until it really was dark and i slid under the lip of the night and slept rather well in fact.
when i woke up earlier i thought i was completely cured. and i have this idea that my bowels will be completely cured now. no gastroparesis. no nothing. just smooth sailing. and i feel like i can and should take on everything. and make some money and cook some casseroles and ask folks over for dinner and make a big ta do over what's left of my life and just go on and buy the Colonial Williamsburg flatware.
utc just emailed me and offered me another section. and i'm wondering if i should take it. or if that would be setting myself up for failure. because the money would be nice. because i have been feeling so much better and feel ready to take on the world that big bite and hold it in my mouth and see what happens. which leaves me wondering what the hell i've been doing the last year. what in the merry fuck has been going on?
i haven't read a lot of books.
i haven't cooked.
i haven't cleaned.
i haven't started a new business.
i haven't painted.
i haven't scrubbed.
i haven't drunk a lot.
i have watched a lot of TV. i have rewatched a lot of TV. i have smoked a bit and sometimes that's a lot and i have sat in plastic chairs and shot the breeze a lot. i have been to Helen, GA with my husband which was a trip we took all by ourselves. i was in the EFM class with Dale which is another thing we did together that we've never done before. and i got into God a lot and Jesus a little. and i finished writing a book. and i published some stuff. and i led a new workshop that was very special. i made new friends. i lost some weight. i developed yet another health disorder bullshit thing. and sometimes i blogged a lot. and i learned to be a little kinder. sort of. and i felt better. and then betterer. and i moved my body more. and then a little more than that. and i obsessed about a fridge. and about some dishes.
and i think i've learned to not obsess over being famous. or rich. a household name. which must mean that i've become somewhat more grown up. or something.
because i turned 50. and i am no longer afraid of dying. i don't think.
and i hope that i'm speaking deep into the mouth of wood. of a god who is holding a lot of luck in his hands. and that he gives me some of that luck. maybe a lot. so i can live long enough for more good things to happen. and to have the strength to face carry balance the bad things that are surely coming. and that i'll be okay. and okay. and even okayer than that. for a long time.
unless it's a short time. and right now that seems okay too. because i just put on a crock pot lasagna. which i've never done before.