i have cleaned and cleaned today. the office. cleaned it out out damn spots of dust dirt crap. i actually had the energy to vacuum. i have not vacuumed in ages. i mopped. i lifted and carried. i broke down boxes. james and i took donations to the Community Kitchen.
i feel squirrely. i can think of so many more things to clean and do. and yes i had great trouble sleeping because i tried not to take the trazadone as my shrink has recommended i try sleeping without it. but i always have a twilight sleep. i go under but i don't stay under.
i hate this, not knowing if this is a strange new mania, or if i really am back to my old self. if i am tired of clutter and dust bunnies and dirty floors and cabinet doors. if i am just stinking tired of sitting in my chair and doing a whole lot of nothing.
is it because alex has moved out? that i must refeather my nest?
is it possible that losing weight has made all the difference in the world, returned me to my old self my real self?
maybe the polyps in my stomach were sucking all my strength. maybe i had some sort of virus that has finally gone away. maybe the depakote really did poison my body and it's taken two years for it to flush out.
or maybe tomorrow morning i will be so tired and sore i won't be able to lift myself up and move about on the face of the earth.
but the girl who is not a drama queen must remind this flittery flapping mermaid that this has been a gradual progression. i started feeling better, strength-wise, about six weeks ago. my guts were crap, but my body was coming back. little by little. it has not been overnight.
i know i must keep a weather eye on the bipolar girl. i need to make an appointment to see my counselor as i have not seen her in over a month. i must get my sleep under control. i must head any demons off at the pass you yawning mouths of dragon gods i will have none of thee.
this morning when i was making coffee i cried a little. alex was gone. i didn't need to make a whole pot. i wondered if i could even do it. i almost sobbed. then i didn't. dale is affected, too. disoriented. the house is too light. a presence has flown through the door and over to east ridge.
james is very eager to move into alex's old room. his room is so small. he will have much much more room. he should have had the larger room all along. i think when we moved upstairs and alex moved into our old room maybe james didn't want to move. in any case, it will be an improvement of life for him.
is it because i know a new fridge is coming? am i so shallow?
have i been injected with sunshine the aliens the gods have blown bright yellow breath into my mouth when i wasn't listening wasn't paying attention?
do not squint at the gift horse. he is you are already at the water.
something like that.