do not yearn for your father bringing you a cold coke with ice to sooth your fever.
do not fantasize about being sick. because maybe you'll be special.
very white in a sanatorium coughing up blood.
do not forever wait for your father to bring you another coke with ice to sooth your fever.
because god will hate you utterly and you will become sick. and more sick. and then you will become another kind of sick. and the other kinds of sick come back at the same time. and you will wonder if you are really sick or crazy or dumb. or so drugged out of your mind senseless stupid.
how to deal with a gallbladder attack. do not go to hospital. they will do nothing.
how to prevent a gallbladder attack. do not eat.
how to view the situation. hope to god it's your gallbladder.
because your doctor has scheduled for an ultrasound to view said gallbladder and also scheduled a procedure wherein doctors and technicians will put hoses with periscopes up your ass and down your throat.
because your mother died of colon cancer. she was fifty-nine.
because you are fifty now.
because your aunt died of uterine cancer. because you know they both died because their unhappiness and anxiety chewed up their guts.
however it is interesting to be so hungry.
the doctor told me on the phone to eat liquids. i looked this up--a liquid diet. i can have pudding and ice cream and frozen pops and Jello-O and butter though I cannot imagine how you eat butter without bread to put it upon or grits to stir it into or oatmeal to stir it into or potatoes to mash up and truly glorify it.
and i can drink coffee with cream. this is odd as is the ice cream. but this is not a clear liquid diet.
i fantasize that i will wake up very thin in the morning. i will be twiggy paper doll no shit in me. or chunks of lettuce or grains or satay chicken.
yesterday it was easy not to eat because i was hurting. and felt like throwing up in my mouth. today my guts are digesting my stomach.
and the monsters in my right hip are boring in their massive machine and the giant roach in my upper right neck is biting into my nerve with great delight.
and my wrists are refucking up.
but there are blessings.
when i don't take Zofran my mind is clear. to think thoughts and feel pains that aren't nausea.
and irony is funny. because there is a direct correlation between loosing weight quickly and the formation of gallstones.
which is further evidence that god hates me. that he is the cat and i am the dust bunny.
like all cruel victors god kicks me when i'm down.
however, i still have a sense of humor.
which means that maybe i'm part sparrow. or lily. and that god has counted all my hairs.