when the wave lifts me and bashes me against the rock and I feel like I can’t breathe do I really believe I will die? do I really believe I will kill myself?
when my mother was ill I believed that if she died I would die. this wasn’t true. but the feeling was a complete a shirring of wind it blew straight through water up to my neck then into my mouth and then you smother and then you drown.
can I change my perception? can I pray enough? will God lift me up up up toss me a float it’s pink with ripples I float on Lake Estelle it’s sunny and not even close to hot.
can I remove myself from all stress? or as much as possible? do I know the things I do that are harmful? like working on the budget for over two hours like I did last night?
here are the facts—I had to cut my lithium by half last night. because of serious edema. and maybe it’s all in my head, but I can feel it I can feel it I am scared cornered cagey panicked. this dose didn’t work. that’s why we upped the dose. but little feather chest, we also upped the Lamictal. will it save me?
if I buy the chair, will it save me? the desk? more tops and leggings?
I will leave this morning. I will get into my car and drive straight across to the beach and drive into and under the water and come up on the Italian coast and walk up a mountain to the convent there they will take me in and lay their hands on me and wash me in the kitchen sink because I will be a baby I will float God will find me and take me up.
really, it’s an ordinary story. woman has bipolar. woman is sick again. woman must give up a thing she wants, must do a thing she does not want and probably more things she doesn’t want. just when she had begun a good thing a losing weight thing just when things were looking up her feet swole up sorry little girl you cannot have a piece of this cake.
here is one head the marshmallow head. here is one head the red clay head. where my father may or may not have covered over my mother’s ashes.
I will try on God for this disease. I must needs swallow light. all of it all of you all the gods with their glow sticks they will life me onto painted horses and toss me into flying elephants and ride wooden coasters with me this coaster that never ends this disease this life just remember someone remember to flip me over when I go belly up.