my therapist gave me some of those dreaded handouts on Monday, but this morning i found this useful--
i am in control, i can be myself, i am strong, i can take care of myself, i am smart, i am safe.
mulling it pondering. when your brain gets shaky it's hard to believe these things. well, except the "smart part."
on another of the sheets was this--
my intentions shape reality (yes yes a resounding yes. because it doesn't say actions. those are obvious. but your intentions determine your actions which determine your reality which leads to control which leads to i can do this which leads to i am safe.)
believing i am not safe is the mouth of the thing that swallows me. safe from myself. safe from you. safe from what will rip me to pieces. maybe it really does go back to the first time i was ever alone. i came home from school and my mother wasn't at home. i locked myself in the bathroom and screamed and cried certain that someone it they would come and tear me to pieces. when my mom came home she didn't say she was sorry she said i was only five minutes late and she laughed at me. (i might have said and done the same thing.) but those five minutes may have been what cemented this fear in me this mouth that opens when i spiral down this mouth that is always at my back jogging just behind me.
but it will do me no good to dwell on this. that THEN is not NOW.