I have been writing quite furiously. The essays. And I have learned a thing. I learn things quickly, things about writing. It doesn't take much. I learned some important things about decorating prose from Gatskill's book. And I learned some important things about relaxing and laughing from Lamott's Help Thanks Wow. To be more generous and kind to myself, as a writer, and as a person. I can put in a comma if I want or, god help us all, an adverb, a modifier just for the modifiers' own sake.
Part of me wants Annette and Dale and Lanie to look at the book before I send it anywhere. But part of me doesn't want to get any feedback at all. Which seems very dumb and which I don't quite get. It's maybe too many cooks in the kitchen. It's maybe laziness. Or stubbornness. But I think it may be about independence. And trusting myself. My own intuition and gut and not looking to anyone else for validation. I am not sure.
In spite of myself I am moving closer to God. Or God is moving closer to me. I have the feeling that pretty soon my life is going to evolve and organize itself around the church. That the church and the people of the church and the work I do there and the things I study there and the things I laugh about and sing about and cry about over there will be the center of my life. I think this may be because it makes me feel good, better, and even betterer. This is not what I have been expecting.
I think I may be learning to pray.
And that everything beautiful is perfect and every perfect thing is from God. And all the ugly stuff too. And it's all I prayer. I am a prayer. And you are a prayer.
I am beginning to not care if it's logical. Or stupid. I beginning to feel like it's okay to just go on and believe and love God and let the fucking old big bad God baggage go.
I think I may be learning to fly.
And all this makes for some mighty fine mighty thoughtful mighty heartfelt writing.
Go ye therefore, and write some more.
-this little light