I am not going to pray willy nilly. I am not going to go all OCD about praying like I did when I was growing up that guilty compulsion to pray over every morsel of food no no God will get you you better watch out. But I am going to pray. I am going to read prayers. And speak prayers. And listen to prayers.
Because I already pray. My life is a prayer. Sometimes it’s a joyful kind prayer. Sometimes it’s a bitter bitten-off angry prayer. Sometimes I am an empty eggshell of prayer and I crawl in a hole and I can’t even hear my own breathing, which is also a prayer. No matter how I live it, my life is a prayer. Whether we call it “good” or “evil” or “lukewarm,” however you live it, your life is a prayer.
Do I believe that God will punish you if your life is an angry evil prayer? No. I think God will put his arm around Hitler and say, My son, your heart has been black blackened turned inward and you hurt and you figured out a way to hurt a lot of other people and now you feel awful about that but it’s okay. We have lots of time to talk it over.
I think God will put his arm around the woman who threw her child off a bridge and say, Sweetheart, you’ve had a terrible time of it. Sit here and I will pour warm water over you and you, like everyone else, will realize you are holy.
God will say, Hello, when he sees me. He will say, Rebecca, I promise you can do anything you want. If heaven bores you, there are many things you can do. You can go back and do it all again and butt your head against the wall over and over the whole time. Or you can stay here and rest and spend as much time as you need to study mathematics. Or French. Or auto mechanics If you want, I will throw you out yonder to a planet of your own, wish you well, and see you later alligator.
I am tired of thinking that it makes no sense or that God whoever he is or is not isn’t there to do the things I want. I am tired of being embarrassed and squirmy. It is okay to pray. To God. To that which is. I am that I am. I am I said.
It is okay to do a thing because it makes me feel better while also doing me no harm. It is okay if everything isn’t rational. It is okay if I can’t explain exactly what I mean. And it is okay if all I am really doing is praying to myself because I’m pretty sure that God and me, we’re the exact same thing.
Go ye therefore and walk in God.